Here’s some news that is probably going to shock you, so sit down: As Bloomberg’s Kevin Cirilli reported this week, Republican presidential nominee and razor-burnt sasquatch Donald Trump “rebuffed his political aides’ requests to research his past … a decision that contributed to his campaign being caught unprepared for the past week’s barrage of claims he had mistreated women.”

Oh, no kidding! You mean that maybe the river of sleaze that’s now become a feature of Trump’s campaign could have been avoided? Hey, that’s cool. Here’s another fun fact, though: Did you know that the GOP had, like, 16 other people running for president, none of whom seem like they’d have taken the presidential race down into debasement?

How bad are the Octobers in the parallel universes where Trump didn’t become the GOP nominee, perhaps because the parallel universe Reince Priebuses were smart enough to disallow him from running for president under their party’s banner? Obviously, we don’t know everything about those other candidates’ pasts, but we have some idea of the broad contours, and in most cases, we have to say, we envy the alternate Earths quite a bit.

On this week’s First To Last, we run down all of the very worst things you could say about all the candidates who didn’t openly express an abiding love for sexually assaulting women.